Hmmm....

jports1049 @ 2008-01-10T22:14:00

2008-01-11T03:15:31Z

hellooooo readers

(if there are any of you left!)

I have a new livejournal. Its jll1049. I wanted to write in a different one because this has just too much in it (it is 4 years old anyway) and a lot of stuff that I don't like looking at or thinking about anymore. I've moved on from a lot of stuff in here. So if I added you as a friend on that, don't get creeped out. It's just me. Hurray!

jports1049 @ 2007-12-29T16:34:00

2007-12-29T21:42:54Z

1.Did you enjoy yesterday?
meh

2. Who were you with?
family, friends later

3. Whats irritating you right now?
i have a massive headache

4. When did you last eat pizza?
this afternoon

6. What do you want?
for it to not snow on tuesday

7. Do you have any television obsessions?
LOST, house, south park

8. Last words you heard spoken to u?
something mean from my dad

9. When was the last time you cried?
a couple days ago

10. Is your brother annoying?
he doesn't exist

11. Pepsi or coke?
coke

13. What is your favorite sport?
baseball, swimming

14. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
not piercings, tattoos are alright depending on who/what/where

15. Do you enjoy Taco Bell or McDonalds?
mcdonalds

16. Are you restless?
depends on my mood, usually i just rest haha for hours

18. What is your favorite color?
black, blue

19. What color is your hair?
brownish reddish

20. Are you in love?
sure thing

23. Do you like anyone right now?
see above

24. Who is in the room with you?
my invisible friend

25. What are you wearing on your feet?
socks

26. What are your favorite pairs of shoes?
my skanky heals but they hurt too much to wear

27.Who was the last person to say i love you to you too?
dan

28. What was the last thing you drank?
water

30. What is the closest item near you that is blue?
my jeans

31. What instant messaging service do you use?
AIM

32. Who was at your house last?
family, cousins, friends

33. Which do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants?
both

34. What is the last movie you watched?
juno

35. What do you currently hear right now?
my own typing

38. Where is your mom?
downstairs

39. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
hot topic

40.Where was you default picture taken on myspace?
in my room

41. Are you texting someone? If so who?
nope

46. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
i ... don't know. it would be extremely hard to trust them again and would take a while to get over. if they cheated a lot, probably not.

47. Do you own something tie dyed?
uh i dont think anymore

48. Did you hurt yourself today?
no

49. Do you want someone you can't have?
no

50. Who made you smile today?
callie haha

51. Plans for the night?
maybe going over miheers

52. Could you live without your phone?
probably not

jports1049 @ 2007-12-23T22:31:00

2007-12-24T03:39:27Z

It really doesn't feel like Christmas Eve is tomorrow. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. Hell, it felt more like Christmas at Halloween.

Driving home from West Hartford today, I saw the saddest thing ever. This homeless man was picking through the garbage looking for food ... just food. He wasn't begging for money; he wasn't begging for anything. He was just picking through the trash for something to eat, looking around in those foam containers that you take food home from restaurants in. I really wanted to stop and help him. I should have bought him a sandwich or something. It's Christmas and this man is picking through the trash for something to eat just to get by. He has nobody in the world to care for him or give him something to eat - not even on Christmas. And I just got really sad and then I went home and I was thinking about it and just started crying for this man. I am hormonal.

It's just ... Christmas doesn't seem happy anymore. I don't really know. It doesn't have any magic left.

I'm not a kid who believes in Santa anymore. Hell, I wasn't one of those kids once I was five years old. I'm not religious. I don't believe in what the Christmas story is about. I go to church, but the hymns don't have any meaning to me anymore when I sing them. We sing about angels and Jesus and God and to me, they are just words. Empty words that have meaning for somebody else, but not for me anymore. The Christmas Tree - a symbol of everlasting life - yet I don't know if I buy into that. Christmas just doesn't have the sparks that it used to have anymore ...

I guess I like giving and seeing people happy, but that should be something that we do all year round - not just on one day. We should make people feel happy and go out of our ways to do this all the time. Christmas, by creating a time designated for being generous, creates a lack of generosity during the rest of the year.

I've written about Christmas and Christmas Eve being my favorite days of the year ... so how come I am starting to think this way now? If anything, I'm just kind of depressed about these next two days ... nothing special, nothing magical, no sparks, no warmth radiating from everybody anymore. They're just two days where people pretend to love each other.

jports1049 @ 2007-12-21T13:03:00

2007-12-21T18:16:07Z

Well not much has happened since I've been home ... but I will update anyway for Nadine because she asked and needs something to occupy her time in Germany, haha.

Home has been boring. All I have done is sat on my ass, babysat, substituted at the pre-school, and hung out with friends maybe once because I've been too tired/lazy to move after being a stand-in mom for the rest of the world.

Most intense experience of my life: bringing Cat and Sarah and one of their friends to see the Jonas Brothers at the Meriden Mall. I only did it because I got paid to and I am that desperate for money (because the orchard doesn't have any hours to give me - bitches, blood is thicker than water, wtf asshole family). Well, needless to say, I am surprised that I am alive right now to talk about it.

Picture this: literally 50,000 girls between the ages of 5 and 16 screaming at literally volumes I never thought my ears would be able to handle - and I've been to some loud concerts and been completely fine. I felt like an elderly person covering my hears, but it really was just that loud. Oh and of course they started about an hour late after we had already been standing there in the crowd of tweens for over an hour waiting ... and played for 15 minutes. And my cousins thought that it was the best moment of their lives.

Finally it was over ... but the icing on the cake was being stuck in stand-still traffic on 84 going home. But that isn't a surprise ...

I've been babysitting Meg, Paul, and Julia a lot too ... Meg and Julia are good but Paul is crazy and whiney and rah. I need money though ...

Nothing else is really new in my life ... 5 second run-down of the past two weeks: finals were fine, my grades are fine (PASSED ASTRONOMY!!! YESSS), blizzard impeded me from going to backstreet boys at the webster, part of the weekend was awful, things got fixed,
came home, sat around, watched children all the time, broke my windshield wipers, and here we are now.

Sunday I have to sing with Katie's high school choir because I look like I'm still in high school. *sigh* But it's an easy song ... the only thing is I have to sing soprano. I am not a soprano. This will be interesting.

Haha Katie works at a Unitarian church and this sunday apparently is "Wear your craziest Christmas costume" day - including horns, hats, and everything else you might think of. I'm a little excited to see what some of the crazies come up with ...

Other than that ... life is boring.

Maybe break will be a little more exciting after Christmas.

jports1049 @ 2007-12-14T13:27:00

2007-12-14T18:28:40Z

These pills make me feel really sick all the time. I hope that goes away soon.

Trust is funny. Why? Because once you finally trust people, they smack you in the face.

I don't know what to do really.

jports1049 @ 2007-12-01T13:09:00

2007-12-01T18:25:37Z

It snowed today!! On December 1st!!! I was so excited when I saw it on the ground outside and I wanted to go make a snow man but there wasn't enough snow ... and it's almost all melted now :(

I think I was way overly excited though to open up the first little door on my advent calendar. It's fun ... :-\

I want to watch Christmas movies. I wish I had Elf here.

It's freezing though. I went to go get Wendy's for lunch because I had an insane craving for it and I thought my hands were gonna fall off.

It smells narst in here because my roommate was throwing up this morning. I feel badly though for her because she seems really sick. Those are not fun times.

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with?
Dan

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
uhh if Wendy's counts haha

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
keystone -- yuck

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Eyes

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
i have considered going into all three haha

6. Do anything fun today?
no it's still early

7. Is your bedroom window open?
yeah it's never closed

8. What is in store for your future?
um idk

9. Who was the last band you saw live?
uhhh i dont know it's been a while

10. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
sure

11. What is your favorite soda?
diet coke

12. How many songs are on your iTunes?
i think around 1500

13. When was the last time you purchased something over $500?
when was the last time i had 500 dollars

14. Where is the last place you drove to?
school

16. Any historical figures that you envy?
um idk

17. What brand of digital camera do you own?
i think its a canon

18. When was the last time you got a good workout?
hahahahahaha

19. If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
marshalls!

20. Where did your last kiss take place?
in dan's room

21. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
um i think i was hanging out with dan

22. Are you a quitter?
no

23. Who was the last person you had in your house?
um my fam bc im not there

24. Can you speak another language?
a little itsy bit of spanish

25. How about you put your legs behind your head?
haha um awk

26. When was the last time you went dancing while under the influence?
i dance like a psycho all the time when not under the influence ... but while under, UNH a couple weeks ago

27. Nickname?
jess, jizzer ....

28. Describe what you are wearing in detail?
kate's sweatshirt that i stole, dan's pajama pants that i stole, and my smokey the bear t-shirt from chelsea.

29. What do you think about people who party a lot?
to each his own

30. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
i think everybody who knows me would agree that talking about those things does not phase me ... unless its with my mom or dad. yuck.

31. Are you one of those people who obsesses over Hollister?
no i don't own anything from there

32. What was the last CD you purchased?
i don't buy cds anymore.... I have DC++

33. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
third eye blind and brand new

34. What of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
gluttony, sloth, wrath, um tons haha

35. Did you just have to google the seven deadly sins to see what they were?
haha no

36. Where is your favorite place to get coffee?
i dont really care

37. Have you ever been offered a job?
yeahh

38. Have you ever stolen anything off of a road?
off of a road? like a sign? no

39. When was the last time you dyed your hair?
week before thanksgiving

40. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
my dad

41. Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
yes

42. Miss someone?
always

43. How is your last ex doing?
no idea

44. Is there someone you want to fight?
surprisingly no

jports1049 @ 2007-11-24T00:06:00

2007-11-24T05:16:18Z

Thanksgiving is so great. I love it because it's the start of the holiday season and you get to eat and celebrate with your family, and yet when it's over, it's not depressing like Christmas because the holiday season is just getting started. With Christmas, it's great but as soon as that day is over, that's it. So it's kind of sad. But Thanksgiving starts off my absolute favorite time of the year. Seriously, the next month is my favorite time ever. If I could choose to live during just one month of the year for the rest of my life, it would be right now (minus the stress of finals coming up).

Yesterday was really nice because we had Thanksgiving just at my house with the immediate family and no annoying family members. The Huppers randomly showed up with my grandma, but it was good to see my grandma and they weren't that annoying. I've learned to block out the annoying parts. We went to my Aunt Margie's at like 6 for dessert, and that was actually really fun. I love my mom's sisters because I can actually be myself around them and we all have the same sense of humor. After, we played Rock Band, which is basically the most amazing game ever. I love playing the drums on it. At first I was awful, but then after one song, I was fine and now I want to learn drums and play in an actual band, haha. It would be sweet.

Tomorrow I should really start my paper ... ugh. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to write about. Rah. And I have to finish my Christmas shopping while I still have access to a car. And I have to grocery shop. And go out to dinner for my mom's birthday. And somehow stumble across thousands of dollars because I'm really poor right now. Rahhhhh.

Ok I'm tired. I need to go to bed. Ciao, folks.

jports1049 @ 2007-11-19T23:40:00

2007-11-20T05:28:26Z

200. My middle name is: lynn

199. I was born in: 1988

198. I am really: crampy

197. My phone is: crap

196. My eye color is: blue/gray

195. My shoe size is: 6 1/2 - 7

194. My ring size is: idk

193. My height is: 5'1"

192. I am allergic to: amoxicillin

191. I was born on: september 4th

190. I am annoyed by: many things

189. Last book you read: ghost world

188. My bed is: warmmm

187: One thing you hate about yourself: id rather not think about those things

179. My favorite Holiday is: christmas eve

178. The perfect kiss is: with the perfect person for you

177. The last three cds i bought were: i dont know i just download

175. Are you living at home: only for like 4 months of the year

174. Do you have any siblings: yes

173. Are your parents divorced: nope

174. What did you do yesterday? was at UNH in the morning, went to Dan's, went to choir, went to Miheer's, and thats it

:::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::

142. Love at first sight: no

141. Luck: no

140. Fate: i don't know

139. Yourself: sometimes

138. Aliens: it would be very ignorant to believe that nowhere else in the universe ever at any time there was any trace of life at all

137. Heaven: i don't know

136. Hell?: no

135. Ghosts: i don't know, maybe energies but idk

134. Horoscopes: no they're bullshit

133. Soulmates: i don't know

:::Which is Better?:::

129. Hugs or Kisses: both

128. Drunk or High: idk both can be good and bad

127. Phone or Online: online ... i dont like the phone

126. Red heads or Black hair: black except i like my hair better red

125. Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes generally

124. Hot or cold: cold

123. Summer or winter: winter

121. Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate

120. Night or Day: depends

119. Oranges or Apples: Apples

118. Curly or Straight hair: Straight even though mine is a fro

:::Here's What I Think About:::

116. Abortion: Choice

115. Backstabbers: a lot of people are ... i just don't let it bother me or at least try not to anymore

114. Parents: um my own are pretty cool i guess

:::Last time I:::

103. Hugged someone: uh i think my mom

102. Kissed Someone: yesterday

101. Saw someone: idk a little while ago

100. Cried in front of someone: beginning of the school year

:::MISC:::

90. who is the ditziest person you know: uh idk megan or dorothy

89. Who makes you laugh the most: there are a few people who do

87. The last movie I saw: mean girls last night

82. What I dont understand is: life!

80. The most unsatisfying answer I've ever received was: i dont know

76. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: callie

75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: not sure

74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is: idk

73. Tomorrow: sleeping in! no work! yay

72. Today: work = poo

71. Next Summer: no clue

70. This Weekend: coming up? i have no idea what im doing

67. People call me: many things

62. The person who knows the most about me is: chelsea, nadine, miheer, katie and megan

60. The most difficult thing to do is: go a day without a nap

59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope *knock on wood*

55. The first person I talked to today was: katie bc she was the only person home this morning

54. First time you had a crush: um idk when i was 4

53. The one person who I cant hide things from: uh idk

52. Last time someone said something you were thinking: once again idk

51. Right now I am talking to: dan and kate

50. What is your dream job: something where i can write a lot

49. First real job?: consignment shop

47. I have these pets: callie! (puppy)

46. I wish: that no one was hungry or cold or hurt or frightened or sad (quoting 5th grade chorus song haha)

45. The worst sound in the world is: your parents crying

44. The person that makes me cry the most is: i don't know, probably myself

43. Best sound in the world: silence

39. Person[s] that makes you happy: fam, friends, etc

38. Cats or dogs: either

37. ?

36. ? hellooooo

35 Myspace or Facebook: facebook

34. Mexican food or Chinese: i like my tacos

33. My favorite piece of clothing: black hoodie wtih neon apples on it hahaha im becoming my grandma

32. My favorite color is: blue and black

31. Last time I cried: idk its been a while

30. My friends are: cool kids

29. My computer is: a piece of shit

27. Last person i got mad at: i haven't really been legit mad at anybody lately

26. Person you secretly crush: uh its not a secret

25. Favorite place: the beach at night

24. Favorite Song: let it be - the beatles

23. Paper or plastic: paper

22. The all-time best movie(s) i've seen: life is beautiful

21. The all-time best feeling in the world is: contentment

20. Favorite scent: the rain

19. What color is your hairbrush: black

18. Favorite shoes: idk

17. I lose all respect for people who: do not possess loyalty

15. Color of room: white

14. TV channels you watch: um a lot idk

13. Best Feature: idk

12. Worst Habit: ... not going into them

11. The worst pain I was ever in was: guilt

10. Best Memory: idk, when life was more simple

9. Favorite TV Show: lost

8. My favorite celebrity is: don't have one

7. Favorite Stuffed Animal: a bear and a dalmatian that ive had forever

6. Greatest Fear: not sure ... never being satisfied with life

5. My weakness is: not letting myself trust people

4. What I like about the opposite sex is: mult. things

3. Who broke your heart: not going there, it doesnt matter anymore

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: being with people who make me laugh and who i have a great time with

1. One person that you wish you could see right now: there are two

jports1049 @ 2007-11-17T00:07:00

2007-11-17T05:15:31Z

4 jobs I have had in my life:
1. Blue Jay Orchards Bitch

2. Consignment Shop

3. Camp Counselor

4. MRA Snack Bar/Gate aka bouncer.

Four movies I've watched more than once:

l. Life is Beautiful

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

3. Rent

4. Pride and Prejudice

Four Places I have lived:
1. Waterbury

2. Middlebury

3. Durham, NH

4. Storrs

Four T.V. Shows that I watch:

1. Lost

2. House

3. Grey's

4. South Park

Four favorite pastime activities:

1. Guitar

2. DC++ing - it's a new verb.

3. Singing

4. Driving

Four places I have been:

1. Disney World!!! Yay

2. Niagara Falls

3. Toronto

4. Waterbury hollaaaaa

People who e-mail me (regularly):

1. Facebook notifications haha

2. UConn Admin crap

3. My english teacher emails us basically every day

4. Occasionally my dad? I never really use email

Four of my favorite restaurants:

1. Olive Garden

2. Chili's

3. Capri's Pizza

4. KFC ... I'M SORRY I LOVE IT

Four Places I would like to visit:

1. Italy

2. England

3. Alaska

4. Egypt

Four Friends I think will respond:

1. nobody

2. :(

3. chelsea is the only one and she already posted it

4. haha my life is SAD

I'll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams ...

2007-11-13T03:41:12Z

I'm listening to Christmas music right now and I am so ready for the Christmas season. I know, it's not Thanksgiving yet. I don't care. I love it.

This one song is a little sad though - I'll Be Home for Christmas. It always always always reminds me of Grandpa because I remember when he used to pick me up from school it came on the radio and he told me about how when he was in the war, he would hear it and get sad and miss his family. And I went home and told my mother about it and she was like, "Wow, he never talks about that ever. He must feel a connection with you." And it just makes me think of him now. I miss Christmas Eve at their house. It was absolutely my favorite day, time, hours of the year. Hands down. Hell, this year might be the last year that house is even in our family. Life moves really quickly.

I don't want to get old. I like being young. I feel like I'm destroying my body. I need to be healthier. This will start tomorrow.

Somewhere down buried in the sand, two birds give out a song and all of Ruby Falls is singin along..

2007-11-08T06:37:01Z

I really am a very, very lucky person. I don't know why I just wrote that. I probably am jinxing everything.

*sigh* I wish I could stop feeling like I can't admit when I'm happy because things will go wrong if I do. But in writing that, isn't it indirectly admitting that anyway? I just screwed my superstitious self over.

EIGHT WHO’S:

51. Who was the last person you've seen?
whoever I was in the elevator with ... ps why is this starting at 51?

52. Who was the last person you kissed?
Dan

53. Who was the last person you texted?
Kate

54. Who was the last person to call you?
um I think Dan

55. Who was your first crush?
Jose or Jack my babysitter in kindergarten

56. Who is the last person who texted you?
katelyn

57. Who is the last person you freaked out on?
haha idk it happens a lot

58. Who did you last hug?
Dan

SEVEN WHEN’S:

59.When was your last shower?
today

61. When did you last see your mom?
a few weeks ago

63. When was your last time you saw your dad?
a few weeks ago

64. When did you last dress up?
halloween

65. When was the last time you cried?
a couple weeks ago

67. When did you last listen to music?
right now

SIX WHERE’S:

68. Where does your best friend live?
there are a few who live in different places...

69. Where did you last go?
astronomy

71. Where did you last hang out?
uh here?

72. Where do you go to school?
uconn

75. Where is your favorite place to be?
the beach at night

76. Where did you sleep last night?
my bed

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

77. Do you like someone right now?
yes

78. Do they like you too?
he better

79. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
not really ...

80. Do you know the muffin man?
i wish!!!

81. Does the future scare you?
no ... just aging

FOUR WHY’S:

82. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
they know everything about me and still like me haha

83. Why did you get a myspace?
i was bored

84. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
they named me after that lame baby who got stuck in a pipe

84. Why are you doing this survey?
effin bored

THREE IF’S:

86. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
to read minds - voluntarily though.

88. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
i don't think so.

89. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would it be?
a boat! or a never-dying ipod so i could just hang out away from the world and have a great time haha

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

91. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
no way.

92. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
yeah sure but i dont understand how that would save them

ONE LAST QUESTION:

(um apparently not.)

93. Are you happy with your life right now?
yeah it's not bad

95. Who was your first prom date?
oh mike.

96. Do you still talk to your first love
haven't been in love

97. What was your first alcoholic drink?
hpnotq - yeah i'm awesome.

98. What was your first job?
blue jay - been there forever.

99. What was your first car?
97 ford escort - RIP Mildred haha

103. Who was the first person to text you today?
john

104. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
um idk

106. Who was your first grade teacher?
mrs nelson aka satan

109. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
california though i don't really remember it much

110. when you snuck out of your house the first time who was it with
julianna

111. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends with them?
chelsea, and i hate that bitch now. except not really.

112. Where was your first sleep over?
i don't know ... probably my grandmas hahaha.

113. Who was the first person you talked to this morning?
the bus driver when i sleep-walked onto the bus to go to astronomy

114. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
my aunt linda's - i was the flower girl!

115. What was the first thing you did this morning?
woke up

116. What was the first concert you ever went to?
hahaha pretty sure it was american idol season 1

117. First tattoo or piercing?
none

118. First foreign country you went to?
haha canada

119. Who was your first kiss?
lol let's not remember those times. i have blocked them out.

120. When was your first detention?
never had one

121. What was the first state you lived in?
ct

122. Who was the first person to break your heart?
once again ... blocked those times out lol

124. Who will be the first to repost this?
who cares idk

jports1049 @ 2007-11-04T10:38:00

2007-11-04T15:46:03Z

OK situation:

I need to take 10 200-level english courses to get an English degree. I need to take 8 or 9 200-level journalism courses for that degree. I need to take 5 200-level psych classes to get the minor. This all can be achieved by graduation barring no big mess-ups.

Next semester: So far I am signed up for 3 200 English classes, a journalism class, and a 200 Psych class. I wanted to take Journalism 200W instead of the psych and I'd worry about my minor later, but because I'm technically not an official major yet (because you can only do that during 1 week of the semester - lame), I couldn't sign up for it. The thing is I have to take it because it is a pre-req for the rest of the journalism classes so if I don't get it done this semester, I'm going to have a hard time getting the rest done in time. I e-mailed the teacher and I can try to enroll in it on Tuesday, so I definitely am going to. The thing is I don't want to drop my psych class or stop working for a minor in psychology because I absolutely love those classes. I need classes that I will love going to. So I was thinking of just taking all 6 if I get into the journalism one ...

The thing is ... that's 4 200-level writing and reading-based courses, plus a 200-level psych, and then the other journalism is an intro 100-level one that should be easy (for UNH people reading this who might be confused, freshman and sophomore classes are 100 levels, junior and senior are 200 levels). That's a lot of work. I was thinking of trying it out if I get into the 200W class on tuesday and then dropping one of the english classes in the first couple of weeks if it's too hard and trying to take it over the summer (because I have more flexibility with what english classes I can take for my major) ... but I don't know. Should I not bother trying/stressing myself out that much?

Everybody has told me not to do 6 besides Miheer, but Miheer has the ability to work really hard all the time and I am lazy. I think I could push myself enough though. Well actually I know I could, the question is do I really want to put that much stress on myself? Thoughts?? Anybody??

jports1049 @ 2007-10-29T22:56:00

2007-10-30T03:04:11Z

1. Where is your brother right now?
i don't have one ... that i know of

2. Last place you kissed someone?
downstairs

3. Name five things you did today?
1. slept
2. wrote a research paper
3. went to the astronomy observation session
4. went to class
5. ate my life away

4. Last person you text messaged?
i think kate

5. What kind of phone do you have?
a ghetto piece of crap

8. What are you listening to?
the TV

10. Eye Color?
blue/gray

11. Has anyone told you they're in love with you?
nope

12. What color are your bedroom walls?
white

13. Do you have a chair in your room?
yes ... im sitting in one

14. What are you doing tomorrow?
class, hw, etc

15. What should you be doing right now?
studying

18. Do you get along with your parents?
yeah i guess

19. Any pets?
my puppy, callie

20. Favorite brands of clothing?
anything

21. Are you married/engaged?
nope

22. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
today

24. Do you play an instrument?
a few

26. Are you allergic to anything?
amoxicillin

32. Do you miss someone?
yes

33. Do you think they miss you too?
i don't know if the dead can miss people

34. How many credit cards do you have?
zilch ... just a debit

35. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
yeah i sort of do now

37. Whats your favorite color?
blue and black

38. Anyone jealous of you?
probably not

39. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
nope, almost though

40. What does your dad call you?
jess

41. What does you hair look like right now?
down and straight

43. Has anyone told you they like you more than a friend?
yeah

45. What did you last eat?
im eating nachos right now

46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
really curly

48. Who was the last person you drove with?
uhhh kate and emily i think

49. What are you looking forward to?
weekend

50. What's your biggest pet peeve?
stupid girls

51. Do you have any tattoos?
nope

53. Any piercings?
nope

54. What do you want to be?
maybe a teacher, maybe a writer

55. Obsessions?
food

56. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
nah

58. Have you ever been arrested?
possibly

59. What are you afraid of?
a few things ...

jports1049 @ 2007-10-24T21:37:00

2007-10-25T01:49:12Z

There are certain things I want to write about, but I'm not going to because I don't want to jinx them. So just ask if you are really curious about certain areas of my love life.

In other news ... I don't understand people who take pictures of themselves just like holding a beer or holding up a drink ... it's like "Hey look at me, I have alcohol!!!" Woop dee freakin doo. You aren't that drunk if you can do a model pose and make sure to position your "best side" towards the camera while holding up your drink so that the label is clearly displayed to the camera. If you were really as drunk as you claim the next day, you really would probably not even notice that the picture was being taken. Or you would be struggling to even look normal in it.

That wasn't directed at anybody in particular. Just in browsing facebook while I should be doing homework and seeing young drinkers take pictures of themselves, I just wonder what the hell is wrong with them. I hope I wasn't like that. If I was, this is my official apology.

Also - If Jorge and Mariano leave the Yankees, I do not know what I will do. They are my favorite players. Gah. I will be heart-broken.

I had something else I wanted to write about, but I don't remember what it was.

HAHAHA my mom just told me she got zapped by the invisible fence today. I don't know how this happened, but man I wish I saw.

jports1049 @ 2007-10-21T20:44:00

2007-10-22T00:45:17Z

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Grandpa's death. And I have PMS. And a lot of work to do. It's gonna be fun.

*sigh*

You know, a lot happens in 2 years. I can't believe it's been 2 years. It feels like yesterday. I can still hear a duet between taps being played and the sobs of my family. I can see the sun shining and feel the blue sweater, black peacoat, and gray scarf I had on. I can feel the wet handkerchief in my hand. I can feel it all still.

It's just ... hmm.

jports1049 @ 2007-10-19T11:27:00

2007-10-19T15:31:23Z

We are being infested with ladybugs. Seriously. It's like the birds only with ladybugs.

They are everywhere! There had to have been literally hundreds swarming the door/windows to hilltop yesterday and then there were a ton on Dan's floor, which creeps me out because then they might migrate up here. You couldn't even walk in without them flying on you and going inside. It has been horrifying.

Also - random power outage yesterday for the entire campus. It felt like the end of the world because Emily and I were in Music Appreciation and we were listening to Beethoven's 5th and right when it did the short short short longggg motive insanely loudly, all the power went out. So then we were kind of terrified and we walked outside and it was soooo gray and blah out and everybody was just wandering out of the buildings like there had been some sort of disaster. It really felt like a disaster movie, haha. So then we ordered cheesey bread for dinner because the dining halls weren't open and that was that. And then the power came back on right after we ordered. Oh well.

Tomorrow I get to see my puppy! :) Aw I miss her.

jports1049 @ 2007-10-10T10:34:00

2007-10-10T14:36:18Z

Update: the guy who kept texting me asking me to come over and "make him food" has been arrested for assault. How am I not surprised?

When I read this during astronomy in the paper, I just put it down and laughed out loud ... and then felt awkward because it was quiet and people were staring at me laughing by myself.

Oh, life.

jports1049 @ 2007-10-08T20:57:00

2007-10-09T01:08:54Z

1. Where is your sister right now?
one is in vernon, the other is in middlebury

2. Last place you kissed someone?
in an elevator

3. Name five things you did today:
1. woke up
2. hit the snooze
3. wrote 4 ... yes, 4 ... papers
4. watched/am watching the yankees
5. asked questions i knew the answers to in astronomy lab bc my TA is quite attractive

4. Last person you text messaged?
Katie

5. What phone service do you have?
Verizon

6. What are you listening to?
the yankees game on TV

7. What do you smell like?
um putnam dining hall aka shit

8. What color are your eyes?
blue/gray

9. Have you ever done a Chinese fire drill?
um i dont think so

10. Do you have a certain song for someone?
not really no

11. Do you have a chair in your room?
yes im sitting in one ....

12. What are you doing tomorrow?
class/stress/life

13. Do you know someone named Betsy?
yes

14. What color is your mom's hair?
naturally? black/gray. however it is dyed and has been for many years (i had to get that somewhere)

15. Do you have a dog?
yes little callie whom i loveeee

16. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
oh yes

17. Are you married?
hell no lol im too young

18. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
today about an hour ago

19. Do you play an instrument?
yeah ... sax, guitar, clarinet

20. Do you like fire?
um i guess its ok

21. Are you allergic to anything?
not really ... amoxicillin but thats it

22. Do you have a crush on anyone?
what is a crush?

23. Best friend?
they know who they are

24. Have you ever been to a spa?
no i want to though

25. Do you miss someone?
yeah

26. Do you think they miss you too?
if the dead can miss people

27. Have you ever seen your school counselor?
not at UConn

28. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
yes i still do

29. What is one thing you've learned about life?
that you can't really learn anything about life because it always is changing ... and if you ever make plans, you can sure as hell bet that life will not follow them

31. Is anyone jealous of you?
not that i know of ... i dont know

32. Ever been stuck in an elevator?
no, almost though in Williamson last year because our elevators were death traps

33.what does your mom call you?
jess, bean pole (vomit)

34. What does you hair look like right now?
up and gross

35. Has anyone ever used you?
yep

36. Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend?
sure

37. What have you eaten today?
poptarts, pepperoni bread, grilled cheese ... im healthy!!

38. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
very curly

39. Who was the last person you were in a car with?
mom, amy, megan, katie

jports1049 @ 2007-10-07T17:00:00

2007-10-07T21:07:59Z

My life is so weird. Seriously. When things happen, I'm not even surprised anymore.

Example 1: Last night I'm walking home from hilltop and there are random people outside my building. They call me over yelling, "Hey hang out with us!!" and me being drunk and friendly, go over. Well a few of them turn out to be male cheerleaders who show me some of their stunts. Haha they were cool though, not gonna lie. The rest are "gangstas" who knew about Waterbury and one of them actually used to live there.

Example 2: The random guy who I gave my number to while intoxicated last weekend when he bumped into us walking in the street keeps calling and texting me. I have one question for that: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? I don't even know who he is. I don't remember what he looks like. But for some reason he keeps texting me telling me to go over and "make him food." Uh ... pass.

Example 3: I start to write my research paper for English today on Invisible Man. I decided for some reason to base my paper on all of the Freud references in the novel and to research that a little bit. Well, I don't know why I did not expect this because I really should have, but as I'm writing I am noticing that everything is about incest, castration, and the phallus. Come on now. I basically just wrote an entire paper on the cock. This will be an awkward one to hand in.

That is my life update for now.

Now back to the huge amounts of work I need to do.

jports1049 @ 2007-10-04T10:15:00

2007-10-04T14:16:55Z

I had a really cool lucid dream last night. I realized I was dreaming and so I started doing all these crazy magic things like making objects fly and then flying myself. It was pretty sweet.

I am such a loser, hahaha.

I'm still sick. That won't stop me from donning my toga tomorrow night though.

Yanks first game in the playoffs tonight ... !!!!!

jports1049 @ 2007-09-29T09:03:00

2007-09-29T13:03:14Z

Showers are amazing things.

Make-up sucks.

2007-09-23T03:26:07Z

I'm getting ready for bed and yet I find myself fixing my hair and hesitating to take off my makeup. Why am I doing this? Who am I waiting for? It's not like I'm going to be "running into anybody" between now and the time I go to bed. I don't know what my problem is.

I don't like looking at myself when I don't have makeup on though. I think I have a sick obsession with it. I just feel so ugly without it on. I don't wear it for other people, because if I did, I would have taken it off by now. I wear it for myself. I dye my hair for myself. I feel comfortable with myself when I do these things. Is it sad that it takes those things to feel comfortable with myself?

The weird thing is ... people used to tell me before I wore makeup that I could be so pretty if I wore it. So now I think that I just am ugly when I don't. Because without it, I'm just ... me. I could be pretty with it on, but without it, I'm not.

Society blows. Everything is based on appearances ... at least with girls. How come there are all these TV shows with an ugly husband and a gorgeous wife? Where are the TV shows with the ugly girl and the hott guy? Beauty and the Geek - Why can't the geeks be girls and the beauties be men? Well I did watch the season premiere this year and they picked out one geek to be a girl and one beauty to be a guy, but the geeky girl wasn't even that ugly! They just put her in really ugly clothes, but she honestly was prettier without makeup on than any of the trashy stupid girls covered in it that were supposedly the hott ones. And the guy they picked to be the hott guy was so obviously gay it's not even funny. His eyebrows were stenciled or penciled or who the fuck knows. But he was definitely gay. There is no question in my mind. But even when they are supposedly picking out an "ugly" girl, she's not even ugly! She just wears glasses and doesn't wear makeup.

So if we don't wear makeup, we are ugly. I don't feel comfortable without it on anymore. I should never have listened to whoever the fuck it was who told me way back when that I could have been pretty if I just tried some makeup. Because without it, I am damned to a life alone with cats.

But lately I feel like I'm damned to that life anyway ... so what's the point?

There is no point. I've given up trying to impress others. I guess I just wear it because I want to feel like at least I'm trying my best to put my best out there. So if I am alone, it's not my fault, but somebody else's. It's their fault for not wanting me, not mine. I don't like looking in the mirror at myself when I don't have it on. So I postpone taking it off to postpone having to face who I really am? Maybe. I don't know. I don't really care. I'm rambling now and I don't even know why I'm talking about this. I think it's the fever. I'm tired of being sick.

jports1049 @ 2007-09-19T18:51:00

2007-09-19T22:59:25Z

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
sleeping

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching tv

What is something that happened to you in 1994?
um i was 6 ... i don't remember

What is the last thing you said aloud?
i don't remember

How many different things did you drink today?
uh possibly two?

What color is your hairbrush?
black

What was the last thing you bought?
food

What is your favorite color?
black and blue

What color is your front door?
i think it's white

Where do you keep your change?
in my wallet

What was the weather like today?
it's sunny and nice

What is the best ice cream flavor?
chocolate with gummie bears

What is something you are excited about?
i don't know ... um christmas in a few months? haha

When was the last rainbow you saw?
oh god i don't remember

What size shoe do you wear?
6 1/2 - 7

Do you have a sister?
yeah 2 of them

Are you very random?
oh yes

Do you want to cut your hair?
yes i want to chop it off this weekend when i go home actually

Are you over the age of 25?
nope

Do you talk a lot?
it depends on my mood

Do you watch The O.C.?
nope

Does your screen name have an "x" in it?
no i hate that

do you know anyone named steven?
yes

Do you make up your own words?
sometimes haha not gonna lie

Are you ticklish?
sometimes

Are you typically a jealous person?
depends

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "B":
Bri, Brian

Name a friend whose name starts with the letter "D":
Dani

Who's the 1st person on your received calls list?
emily

What did the last text message you received say?
something about where in the library are you

Do you chew on your straws?
yesss

Do you have curly hair?
yes it's basically an afro.

What is the next concert you're going to?
idk i wanna go to the academy is/rocket summer when they come here, but idk when tix are on sale

Who is the worst person in your life?
um i don't think there is a "worst" person in my life ...

How many times have you cussed today?
haha who the hell knows

What is something you say a lot?
fuck and whatevvvv

What is the last thing you ate?
yodels!

Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"?
only a little bit

Do you have work tomorrow?
yes every flipping day ... i may quit soon, haha.

Is your best friend older than you?
i don't have one best friend ... there are a couple and some are older some are not

When was the last time you said "I love you"?
i don't know ... it's been a long time

What should you be doi ng now?
homework

Do wish you had a different name?
not really

Are you a heavy sleeper?
sometimes ... i mean i do nap for like 4 hours and can fall asleep on command

When was the last time you used a skateboard?
haha never

What is the best movie you've seen in the past three weeks?
have i seen a movie in the past 3 weeks? idk if i have

Is there anyone you like right now?
i'd rather not go there

When was the last time you did the dishes, be honest...?
i washed my bowl at katie's apartment on sunday

So fix your eyes and get up while you can.

2007-09-18T12:53:54Z

Tuesdays and Thursdays blow. So do Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but not as much. Tuesday/Thursday = astronomy 9:30-11, work 11-1, english 1-2:45 (notice that i get time to eat .... except not really), homework, music 4:30-5:20, and then i pass out.

I have not been getting enough sleep lately at all. This weekend my sleep totalled 2 hours. Now I think I'm getting sick. Well, whatever. Maybe the gummie vitamins will help fend off this illness.

To go home or not to go home this weekend ... I have no idea. I think I will just feel like a waste at home and that I'm not supposed to be there, but I'm a waste here too. I'll decide later. Time for class. rahhh

jports1049 @ 2007-09-16T23:12:00

2007-09-17T03:20:15Z

I remember now why I don't like random hook-ups. The whole "no strings attached" thing doesn't work with me. After hooking up with somebody, I always want more ... as in like I want them to like me, to make an effort to do something even though I know that when you drunkenly hook up with somebody, everything they say or do is just that: a drunken fling. It always means nothing.

I knew when I decided to hook up with him that none of it would mean anything. I know these things. I also know that I never do well with that because I so desperately want something to mean anything more than nothing. But then again ... it gets hard being alone all the time. Loneliness is not a fun burden to carry around, and after a long time, it really is very heavy. So if I can put that weight down for a couple hours, even if I know that the next day I probably will never talk to this person again, even if I know that every nice thing he said and did was all nothing really but intoxication, the opportunity to pretend that that's not true and that I do mean something to somebody just for a couple hours can be pretty tempting. Even if I know that it's not real. Because as much as it makes me feel worse after, at least for those few hours I could pretend that life is not so lonely.

Eventually it will not be worth it to me again, but feeling like I mean nothing to anybody get's really old after a while. Even if I feel like I mean even less than nothing to everybody now. But I don't know. At least for a few hours I could pretend that wasn't true.